Their Story
by Nihlathak
Summary: *Chapter 6 up!* The first extended story and recurring character. The Prime Evils go to a movie audition! If you haven't read this you don't know what you're missing!
1. Memp Shout Out

Authors' note: we (Nihlathak and NekoNinja) don't own Diablo II 'wah'. These are just some little ditties about the prime evils doing something besides getting killed.   
The prime evils do 'normal things' that we do everyday. Because after the first 500 years hell gets really boring and they take field trips up to Earth. But when you're a prime evil nothing is really normal and insanity ensures since they try to corrupt everyone they meet and have to avoid the heros...  
  
Memp Shout-out  
"We don't own Power 107 either. We just listen to like EVERYDAY on the bus going to school."  
  
Phats and Cher:What's up y'all, Phats and Cher wanna see if you gotta a little something represent. Who'd it be?  
Mephisto:I am Mephisssto.  
Phats and Cher:.....*in the backround a 'what the hell is heard'*  
Phats:I don't think you've ever done a shout out with us before, Mephistoe. Where ya from?  
Mephisto:HELL! Did you not know?  
Phats:Um....no I never guessed. Well shout it out now man.  
Mephisto:I am no mortal man!  
Phats and Cher:......  
Cher:Didn't you wanna do a shout out?  
Mephisto:What isss that?  
Phats:Just call out your brothers.   
Cher:*in the background* Stupid white people.  
Mephisto:I do have my brothersss, Diablo! LOrd oF TeRroR! And Baal! LOrd oF DesssTruCtioN! Though they are wholly and worthy, I, Mephissto, LOrd oF HATRED! Am far superior, HahAhAHaHA!  
Phats and Cher:.....  
Phats:Er...is that all?  
Mephisto:NO!  
Cher:Why are calling ANYWAY!  
Mephisto:You dare challenge me! Mortal Wench! :/  
CheR:Oh he-ell no. You just did not call me a....whatev-ah the hell you called me.  
Phats:*in the background* Oh shit, he...it got her going.  
Mephisto:You are what I deem you be!  
Phats and ChEr:......  
Mephisto:Now then! I shall attempt to corrupt your souls!  
Phats:.....  
CHeR:Whatthefuck! You is whacked!! You is one whacked ass...goth...thing.  
Mephisto:WHAT?! I sshall-  
Diablo:*in the background* Mephisto! Get off the phone! Some heroes are coming, they're saying something about a 'Memp run'!  
Mephisto:Cursssess, I ssshall deal with your ssssoulss later. *very loud and off in the background* My Brothersss have esscaped you!  
(Click, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)  
cHEr:What a wierd ass!  
Phats:Should we really do this anymore.  
ChEr:Let's do one one more time in case someone wants to do a REAL shoutout.  
Phats:All right...  
Phats and Cher:What's up y'all, Phats and Cher wanna see if you got a little something represent. Who'd it be?  
Paladin:Hello?   
Off in the background:Woo-hoo we killed Memp again.  
Female voice in background:And he dropped a ballista! :)  
Phats and Cher:...  
Paladin:Who is this?  
Phats:It's Phats and Cher, of Power 107, did YOU want to do a shout out?  
Barbarian in background:I can shout out! (Barbarian uses his shout warcry) HOUT!  
Phats:Now that was kinda cool-  
cHER:What da hell was that?! Not another stupid white person.  
Paladin:I take personal offense to that harsh comment.  
Necromancer in background:I'll have my revenge for that remark...  
cheR:And why the hell do you 'take offense' to that?  
Paladin:I am not white.  
cHer:What the hell you doin' then?  
Sorceress in background:Why did Memp this on his auto dial?  
Phats:So...you wanna do a shout out man?  
Paladin:Sorry good sir, we must go and do a Baal run now-  
Barbarian in background, rather loudly:HOOOUUUUTT!!!  
Paladin:Much luck to you on your journeys good people.  
(Click brrrrrrrrrrrr)  
cher:*pops a pill* Man this is enough to make someone do drugs.  
Phats:^^'  
  
Endnotes:This is the first in what may a LOT of little scenarios, starring the prime evils (but not all focused on Memp ^^). Hope you enjoy! 


	2. Out to Lunch...

Out to Lunch (With special guest stars-NekoNinja,my manager Kenny and co-worker Corey.)  
  
(In hell, at the Chaos Sanctuary)  
Baal:I am hungry...  
Diablo:I am hungry as well...  
Mephisto:Getting 'runned' twenty-four-seven worksss up an appetite.  
Diablo:There are no good souls to consume, they are all being tortured.  
(Off in the Background:AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH stop it tickles!)  
Baal:What is wrong with tortured souls?  
Diablo:There is something wrong with them when I am hungry!  
Mephisto:What isss that over there?  
(All three Prime Evils look at a camera crew filming some hamburgers flipping through hell fire.)  
Baal:How dare they!  
(The Prime Evils walk over to the camera crew, Mephisto taps the camera man's shoulder with a tentacle.)  
Camera Man:Now look here you, *turns, sees the Prime Evils* AHHHHHHHHHH! *dies*  
Prime Evils:*snicker evilly*  
Director:Hey, what the hell! I'm-like trying to film a commercial here.  
Diablo:*annoyed* For what?  
Baal:Do you know where you are?  
Director:Yeah, duh! How is Burger King gonna sell Whoppers if they're not shown flippin' through big roarin' flames!  
Prime Evils:Burger King?  
Director:Why don't you go there sometime? You'll love the Whopper's flame-broiled goodness.  
Diablo:Flame-broiled goodness? Sounds disgusting.  
Mephisto:Perssssonally, I do not think goodness is appetizing no matter HOW you cook it.  
Director:No no, you can't go wrong with flame-broiled beef.  
Diablo:Flame-broiled beef, now that sounds tasty.  
Baal:Well then, let us go to Burger King.  
Mephisto:Where isss it?  
Director:*points up*  
(the Prime Evils teleport. They land in a used car lot.)  
Baal:WheRe iS tHe FlamE-bRoiLeD BeEf?!  
Diablo:That liar! When I see him again (insert painful punishment involving paper ducks and toothpicks here).  
  
Much later, after the Prime Evils get their bearings, at the Burger King drive-thru...  
  
Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! *Authors' note: this is the actual noise that tells the drive thru person that you want to order, I know from experience :/*  
Drive-thru Attendant:*wakes up* damn...*in the drive-thru speaker* Hi, welcome to Burger King. Would you like to try a Value Meal today? *glances up at the tv moniter, theres an old pickup truck with a dog in the back at the board.*  
Diablo:What is a Value Meal?  
Baal:FlaMe-bRoIleD BeEf!  
DA:It's a meal pack where you get a sandwich, fries or onion rings, and a drink.  
Diablo:We want something with flame-broiled beef.  
DA:I figured that. Do you want a Whopper, a double Whopper, a Whopper Jr.-  
Baal:We want a LOT OF MEAT!  
Mephisto:Ssshut-up fool.  
DA:A double Whopper has two flame-broiled patties.  
Mephisto:A paLLy?!  
Diablo:She said patty, not pally. *Mephisto sighs in relief in the background*  
Baal:What is a patty?  
DA:....it's beef shaped like a disk.  
Prime Evils:That is(sss) what we des(sss)ire.  
DA:Would you like the Value Meals?  
Diablo:Yeah!  
Baal:I want mine to have lots of onions, nothing but onions.  
Mephisto:Ooo, I want mine with a lot of blood on it.  
DA:You mean ketchup? Right?  
Mephisto:What ever you mortalsss call it.  
Diablo:*whispers* Mephisto! *the truck rocks around a bit, the dog almost falls out*  
Mephisto:*whispers*excussse me, I have forgotten we are in disguise.  
Baal:*whispers*watch it you fools.  
DA:O-k  
Diablo:I want it all!  
DA:Would you like cheese on those.  
Baal:Did I say 'cheese'???  
Mephisto:Ssssure, I alwayss wanted to try blood and cheesse.  
Diablo:I want it ALL!  
DA:All right, for the one with kethchup and cheese? Or do you want everything?  
Mephisto:Jussst lotsss of blood and cheesse.  
DA:And for the one that wanted everything. Did you want everything like mustard, bacon, tartar sauce-  
Diablo:YES!!!! I WANT IT ALL!  
DA:Would you like fries or onion rings with those meals?  
Mephisto:Fliesss...mmm tasssty.  
Baal:Onion rings.  
Diablo:What are fries?  
DA:.....fried potatoes with salt on them.  
Diablo:I will take them.  
DA:And what to drink?  
Baal:Acid!  
Mephisto:Blood!  
Diablo:Chemical runoff!  
DA:*thinking* O-k bunch of crackpots *punches buttons for a large Sprite, Fruit Punch and Coke* Will that be all?  
Diablo:Yes, for now...  
DA:O-k your total is 13.50 at the first window please.  
Diablo:13.50 what?  
DA:Dollars, you have to pay ya know.  
Baal:We shall TAKE your fLaMe-bROilEd bEeF!  
DA:Sorry sir, but you have to pay for your food.  
Diablo:We shall TAKE your Value Meals, infidel!  
DA:I'm sorry man, but I've gotta get the manager.   
(a few seconds later)  
Manager:All right guy, what's the problem?  
Diablo:I said we shall TAKE your Value Meals!  
Manager:Are you trying to rob us through the Drive-thru buddy?  
Baal:We want your Value Meals!  
Manager:Listen guy, you have to pay for them.  
Diablo:Fine then, we shall settle this...  
Manager:O-k then drive around.  
Mephisto:Cccertainly...  
(the truck screeches off, the dog almost falls out again. They drive around to the front and smash in through the front doors.)  
Manager:(he just ran up to the front)Listen guy, that wasn't cool!  
(a man steps out of the passenger side of the car, with black pits for eyes.)  
Man:We ssshall have our Value Mealssss!!! (morphs into Mephisto)  
Mephisto:*laughs like an evil psycho*  
Manager:Corey, are you making those Whopp-*faints*  
Corey:Oh SHIT!  
The dog:ummm, Mephisto...  
Mephisto:*sharply* What!  
(the heroes are sitting at a table looking very dumbfounded, they've all stopped eating. The Paladin with a burger halfway into his mouth, the Barbarian's straw hanging on his lip and the Sorceress drops a fry on the table. A few moments of silence follow, then the Barbarian takes a slurp of soda. The Amazon starts twitching with exictement.)  
Mephisto:*eyes widen* !!!!!!!!  
Amazon:MEMP RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls out the ballista*  
Paladin:Please!! We're in a public place!  
Barbarian:WhO cAreS! HHOOOUUUUTTT!  
Diablo:I am out of here.  
Baal (the dog):Step on it!  
(the truck pulls out and drives off like a bat outta hell).  
Mephisto:*sigh* You're too LATE!!! *laughs evilly*  
(Several rounds of ballista fire and whirlwinds later....)  
Amazon:Awww he dropped shit.  
Necromancer:No, fool! This is the famed Blackhand Key!  
Druid:Whatever *the wolves polish off all of his fries* Hey, what the hell!  
DA:This is too much, I'm puttin' in an application at Mickie-D's  
The End....or is it?  
  
Authors' Note-Wasn't that fun, and it's only the tip of the iceberg....More to come soon! 


	3. Hell's Pass Pub

Author's Note- Sorry for the delay, here's the next installment. Enjoy!  
  
Hell's Pass Pub  
  
(In hell, Chaos Sanctuary)  
Tortured Soul:No NO nO No! Not the featheeeeerrrr....  
Diablo:Whilst I enjoy watching the torturing of these souls. It does get dull after some time.  
(Infernal Paperboy rides by the Sanctuary. Tosses in the paper which smacks Baal on the forehead, waking him up.)  
Baal:DaMn tHaT ImP!! I shall-  
Diablo:What is that.  
Baal:A stupid paperboy. Why do we have paper in hell anyway?! You would think-  
Diablo:Shut up Baal, I meant this (shows him the flyer)  
(Baal regards the flyer. Which has 'Hell's Pass Pub' written in big flaming letters and generic advertising stuff on it. Also has a rather suggestive picture of a busty demonic cat-lady).  
Baal:Would you look at the size of those-  
Diablo:Big flaming letters?  
Baal:Err, something like that.  
Diablo:This place seems much more entertaining than this dump.  
Baal:Then call Mephisto and we shall depart.  
(Diablo hits speed dial #1)  
Mephisto:(Off in the background) Wait a second!  
Amazon:(Off in the background)Awww...  
Assassin:(Off in the background)What is it?!  
Mephisto:(Off in the background)Phone!  
Necromancer:(Off in the background)*mockingly* Memp's got a girlfriend-  
Mephisto:(Off in the background)Sssshut up (In phone) Hello?  
Diablo:Mephisto, have you spare time?  
Mephisto:Not at the moment...  
Diablo:Meet us at Hell's Pass Pub later then.  
Barabarian:(Off in the background)EnOugH wAitiNg! HHOOOOUUUUUTT!  
Mephisto:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
(Click bbbbbbuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-)  
Baal:Busy?  
Diablo:Quite, he'll meet us there later.  
  
(At Hell's Pass Pub)  
(General commotion. The door busts open and Diablo and Baal stride in. Commotion stops and everyone stares at them.)  
Baal:(Looks at the flyer)*agitated* WheRe's tHe weNcH?!  
Some guy in the crowd:Which one? (laughs)  
Baal:(Points)tHiS onE!  
(Whole bar laughs)  
Same guy in the crowd:She's not real dude.  
Baal:FoOliShneSs!  
(Diablo inches off)  
Same guy in the crowd:It's true dude.  
Baal:I am not a dude!  
Same guy in the crowd:Huh?  
Baal:I have no time for this. I must find this wench..and err "meet" her.  
Same guy in the crowd:Good luck dude.  
Guy next to same guy:Crack kills....  
(Baal stomps off in search of 'the wench')  
Diablo:What have you here mortal?  
Bartender:Mortal? Oh, nevermind. We gots beer.  
Diablo:I shall have a beer then.  
Guy next to Diablo:Dude, you're only gonna have one? You look like you could down a river of beer. In fact, I challenge you to a drinking contest.  
Diablo:Oh? Then have at thee!  
Bartender:(Eyes flash money signs for a sec) Comin' right up.  
(26 beers later, Diablo is slightly plastered while the challenger is passed out in his own vomit.)  
Shady guy:Hey buddy wanna try this? (Holds out a blunt)  
Baal:*sharply* What is that?  
Shady guy:It'll make you feel nice...  
Baal:NiCe?? Why would I want to be nice?!  
Shady guy:Just try it man, I'll even light it fer ya.  
(Baal puts the blunt up to his mouth. The shady guy lights it. Baal inhales once and the entire thing turns to ash and falls to the ground. Smoke drifts out his ears, and his eyes roll up into his head and come back up from the bottom.)  
Shady guy:You good man. (passes out)  
(Baal points at Shady guy and laughs like a pansy).  
(Diablo walks over to him)  
Diablo:Ha ha! Did you slay that one?  
(Baal points at Diablo and laughs like a pansy).  
Diablo:Baal? (Waves a hand in front of Baal's face).  
(Mephisto strides into the bar).  
Mephisto:Hail Diablo! Hail Baal!  
Diablo:Hail Mephisto!  
(Baal points at Mephisto and falls down laughing).  
Mephisto:Ssso he finally broke after all thossse runsss. Ssshame.  
(Door opens yet again and the Heroes walk in).  
Druid:That was a great Memp run! I got the famed Jalal's Mane. :)  
Sorceress:Memp's been stiffing me. I haven't got anything yet.  
(Baal gets off the floor and looks at the Sorceress, then at the flyer, then at the Sorceress again.)  
Baal:(To himself)It's my precious! (Louder)Hey I want to stiff you!  
Sorceress:Excuse me....AH! It's BALL!  
Necromancer:Baal.  
Sorceress:Oh, sorry.  
Assassin:Ah! It's DIABLO!  
Amazon:Goodie! It's Memp!  
Mephisto:*pissed off* WhAt!?  
Barbarian:Let's run him! HHOOOOUUTT!  
Bartender:(Stepping between them)Hey! Hey! I've already cleaned up the puke, I don't wanna clean up no blood and body parts.  
Diablo:In that case, we shall challenge you all to a drinking contest!  
Some guy in the crowd:*roars* YEEEAAAAH!  
Bartender:(Eyes flash money signs for a sec) Comin' right up.  
(Baal bursts with laughter and stamps his foot on the floor. Causing a table to fall down).  
Diablo:Myself and Mephisto. Baal is slightly dillusional.  
(The Heroes draw straws, the Paladin and the Druid draw the shortest straws).  
Barbarian:*pouting* I wanted to go first...  
Amazon:Stop whining (smacks the Barbarian's big bald head)  
Barbarian:*still pouting* Ow.  
Druid:Oh-boy  
Paladin:I shall try my best.  
  
(Paladin is down and out after two beers. The Druid drinks two more beers before turning into a werewolf, howls, and runs into the men's bathroom. Screams echo throughout the bar, guy runs out of the bathroom, with his pants down muttering 'the horror, the horror'. Mephisto is perfectly fine, and Diablo is a little more drunk.)  
Baal:(Pushes the guy sitting next to the Sorceress off his stool)*still stoned* Hi, I seen you on the poster...  
Sorceress:Ew.  
Assassin:Time to draw straws again.  
(The Heroes draw straws again. This time the Necromancer and the Barbarian draw the shortest straws).  
Some guy:Why's in the chick in black leather alwaysh gettin' th' long straw.  
Assassin:*Quietly* Shut up! (Smacks the guy).  
Some guy:Woah psychodelic (passes out)  
Baal:I thought those were supposed to be a little bigger (Pokes the Sorceress' boobs repeatedly).  
Sorceress:Stop that! (smacks Baal's hand)  
Baal:(laughs like a pansy) Ur funny.  
Bartender:Next round o' drinks comin' up.  
Barbarian:(Cracks knuckles) This is going to be easy!  
Diablo:Ha! I doubt it!  
  
(After an amazing 36 beers the Barbarian stammers 'No way' before crashing on the floor. The Necromancer looks as fit as a fiddle and his pale face starting to turn rather pink.)  
Some guy in the crowd:Dude! I thought the big bald guy would own on the old guy.  
Necromancer:Hmmmm..(Looks at his bulging belly) I must admit defeat. For I am full.  
Some guy in the crowd:But you're not drunk! What the fuck?  
Necromancer:(shrugs) I am full.  
(Diablo sways back and forth, his stomach making a bunch of strange noises.)  
Diablo:Something's...terribly wrong-(Runs to the woman's bathroom. High pitched screams are heard.)  
Assassin:Well since the Sorceress is busy with her new boyfriend-  
Sorceress:Hey!  
Baal:Yeah! (Grabs the Sorceress in a bear hug).  
Assassin:Guess it's either you or me. (Smiles a million-dollar, politician-esque smile).  
(The Amazon and the Assassin draw straws. Guess who gets the shorter one...)  
Assassin:Well then, good luck.  
Amazon:Whatever.  
(The roof caves in at a corner of the pub and Tyrael floats in).  
Tyrael:What are you all doing here!  
Some guy in the crowd:Whatsh it to you?  
Tyrael:I was not talking to you.  
Mephisto:TYRAEL! At lasst I ssshall have your-  
(The Necromancer bleches rather loudly and his stomach deflates. The stench of alcohol drops Tyrael faster than DDT on a mosquito).  
Some guy in the crowd:Is he dead?  
Necromancer:(Kicks Tyrael, Tyrael groans)No.  
Mephisto:Well he did my work for me. Let'sss get sstarted WRENCH!  
Necromancer:Wench, you intoxicated idiot.  
Mephisto:Whatever.  
Amazon:That's my line.  
Mephisto:Who caresss. Let uss begin!  
  
(10 drinks later both contestants are still going strong. 20 beers later and the only that's changed is that the Sorceress' face is turning blue from Baal's gargantuan bear hug. Now we're at 30, Mephisto's started to waver a bit. And the Amazon is perfectly fine.)  
Baal:My precious is finer!  
Sorceress:Let up...please...need...oxygen.  
(Down to 40 and Mephisto's eyes just glazed over, he's gettin pretty plastered. Now we're at 50 and Mephisto is spilling more than he's drinking. Amazon shows no signs of quitting. And at 60...)  
Mephisto:I...will...not..be...defeated (Retches with all the unholy might of an anti-tank rifle. The bartender and his stock are hopelessly drenched. An inch of Memp-puke glazes the floor. Mephisto's head flops onto the counter. The Amazon lifts it up and it flops back down rather dead-like).  
Assassin:Dibs on his left pocket! (The Amazon and the Assassin rifle through Mephisto's pockets).  
Diablo:(Walks out of the woman's bathroom) Mephisto does not have any pockets.  
Assassin:(Looks surprised, takes hand out of hell-knows-what) Eeeeeew.  
Amazon:That's what you get for cheating.  
Assassin:Me? Cheat?! Never! And you were sticking your hands in too.  
Necromancer:Would you like to know what you were sticking you hands into?  
Amazon:No!  
Necromancer:Whatever you say. Heh heh.  
Amazon:(Notices Diablo) Hey let's run him while he's plastered! It'll be easy as sh!t.  
Diablo:You haven't seen the last of me!  
Necromancer:Cliche, cliche-  
Diablo:Whatever (Disappears in a column of flame).  
Amazon:Dammit why's everyone stealing my lines!  
Sorceress:(Turning purple) A little help here...  
Assassin:Oh-yeah, nearly forgot about you and your B/F  
Amazon:(Smacks the Assassin) We must save our sister!  
Assassin:She's not my sister (smack) all right, all right, no more smacking.  
Baal:Everyone wants my precious.  
(A game of tug of war ensues with Baal on one end, the Amazon and Assassin on the other end and the Sorceress in the middle. The game goes on until....)  
Tyrael:AaaAAaaAAaH! That stench!  
Baal:ACK! (Drops the Sorceress).  
(Diablo comes back, grabs Baal by the ear and teleports off.)  
Baal:(As he's disappearing)No my precioooooouuuussss......  
Bartender:(Comes out of shock) Oh...my...God-  
(Druid runs out of the bathroom, barfs all over the Bartender and collapses)  
~End~ 


	4. Prime Ratings part 1

Prime Ratings-Part 1  
  
(hell, Chaos Sanctuary)  
(The Infernal mailman approaches the Sanctuary and rings the Infernal doorbell)  
Infernal doorbell:("here comes the bride" plays)  
Diablo:(from inside) Aaargh, I need to fix that! (answers the door) Who dares approach my Sanctuary?  
Infernal mailman:I've got a letter for a 'Big, ugly, red guy in hell'.  
Diablo:What!! I shall (insert painful punishment involving waxed wood and a snowmaker).  
Infernal mailman:Sorry sir, just doin' my job.  
DiAblo:ThIs iS nOt yOUr jOb!! It Is YouR eTerNAl toRtuRe!!  
Infernal mailman:I know, this shit sucks. Sign here.  
Diablo:(brands his name on the paper, looks at the letter)What makes you think that I am the recipient?  
Infernal mailman:There are a lotta big, ugly, red guys here, but you're the biggest, ugliest, and reddest of all, later. (leaves)  
Diablo:Come back here infidel, I shall (insert painful punishment involving a little kitten and a milk carton)! (opens the letter)  
Letter:Dear Big Ugly Red Guy. Recently I met you and your big ugly grey buddies. I am now casting a movie and am in dire need of a bad guy. I cannot find someone evil enough for the insidous part. I'm hoping that either you or one of your big ugly grey buddies can come to the audition. Lates, the Director.  
Baal:(looks over Diablo's shoulder) *sharply* What is that?!  
Diablo:Don't you ever go home!   
Baal:This is my home.  
dIabLo:ThIs IS mY hoUsE!  
Baal:We are 'bunking' together get used to me.  
Diablo:'Bunking'? Did you pick that up at Hell's Pass?  
Baal:Never mind! What is that? (points at the letter).  
Diablo:Baal, that is rude. It is my mail, and it does not concern you.  
Baal:I want to see! I want to see!  
Diablo:ALL RIIIGHT! (hands Baal the letter).  
Baal:(points and laughs at Diablo) Big Ugly Red Guy, ha ha!! (continues reading)....Big ugly grey buddies? *sharply* Who wrote this! (continues reading) The Director! That is the one who lied about the FlaMe-bRoIleD bEEf!   
Diablo:That director! I owe him a punishment!!  
Baal:(glances at Diablo) You owe every soul a punishment...  
Diablo:That one deserves it!!   
Baal:We lie everyday.  
Diablo:He lied about FLAME-BROILED BEEF!  
(Mephisto re-spawns)  
Diablo:I re-spawn here Mephisto, do you not have a home to go to?  
Mephisto:Thissss isss my home. The Durance isss not sssafe.  
(Diablo smacks head)  
Mephisto:What isss that there? (snatches the letter from Baal)  
BaAl:HoW ruDe!!!  
Diablo:Hypocrite.  
Mephisto:(laughs) Big Ugly-  
Diablo:That is not funny!!  
Baal:You are right Diablo. It is not funny, it is hilarious!  
Mephisto:(continues reading).....Big ugly grey buddiessss?  
Diablo:(laughs in an attempt to deflate Baal and Mephisto's egos)  
Baal:That is not funny!  
Diablo:You are right Baal. It is not funny, it is hilarious!  
Baal:Hey, why does that sound familiar...  
Mephisto:Becaussse you are an idiot. (continues reading) The Director! He got me killed!  
Baal:(glances at Mephisto)You always get killed.  
(Mephisto's cell phone rings, he pulls it out of God knows what, and pulls up the antena).  
Mephisto:Hello?  
Director:Hi, you're the big ugly red guy right?  
Mephisto:(does a slow burn) *snaps* NO! I am the big ugly grey buddy!  
Diablo:(snickers)  
Director:Well like-put me on the line with the Big Ugly Red guy will ya pal.  
Mephisto:(sincerely pissed) Big Ugly Red Guy it isss for you! Here!! (pratically shoves the phone down Diablo's throat)  
Diablo:What do you want!  
Director:Heeeeey did ya get my letter?  
Diablo:(in a little, bitty, strained voice) yes.  
Director:Great, great. Listen baby, have ya thought it over?  
Diablo:How dare you call me baby!!!  
Mephisto and Baal:(collapse, laughing their heads off)  
DIABLO:*REALLY PISSED* SHUT UP!!!!!  
Baal and Mephisto:(stop laughing, stand up and pretend they didn't hear anything)  
Director:You havin' a fight with your wife buddy? Ah, never mind. Have ya thought it over. See I'm a millionaire now, and seeing you guys the other day in hell got my creative juices flowing ya know. So I wrote the greatest script yesterday. And I really need a professional for the bad guy. See, I based him so much on you and your buddies that the part just screams YOU! So whattayasay?  
Diablo:What is this part you speak of?  
Director:Its like-the bad guy. He does evil things-  
Diablo:*excitedly* Evil things! I like it!  
Baal:What are you talking about? I want to know!  
Mephisto:Do not banter long. I am fast loosing funds with which to pay for extra minutes!  
(Alf from the 10-10-220 commercials zones in)  
Alf:Don't dispair, my evil snakey friend. Just dial 10-10-220 and pay just ninety-nine cents for all calls up to twenty-  
Mephisto:What isss thiss?!! I am not your friend!!  
(Carrot Top zones in)  
Carrot Top:Just dial down the center with 1800 CALL ATT for your collect calls! Nice pad man.  
Diablo:This is my house!! Who are you?  
(Mister T busts the door down)  
Mister T:I pity the evil foo' that don't use 1800 COLLECT, and saves his minions a buck or two!  
(Alf, Carrot Top, and Mister T all notice each other. A good ol' fashioned slobberknocker starts)  
Director:What was that all about? I coulda sworn I heard Alf, and like-that guy Mister T too.  
Diablo:Never mind that, we are coming to do evil.  
Director:Great, I'll see ya whenever ya get here. Lates Big guy!  
Diablo:Come brothers, we shall spread evil amongst the world again!  
(Baal and Mephisto are captivated by the collect call brawl)  
Baal:Ten tortured souls says flame hair wins.  
Mephisto:Deal, I bet fifteen on the little brown imp.  
Baal:Deal  
Diablo:(smacks head, grabs them by their "ears") Come we are going to do EVIL!!  
Baal:But wait...!  
  
(Earth, Dumass Productions)  
(Waiting Room)  
Director's Secretary:The Director will see you now.  
Baal:About time!  
(Evils stride into the Director's office)  
Director:Hey guys, what's up?  
Diablo:We have come to do evil.  
Director:Greeeeat, one small problem though.  
BAaL:ProBleM? pRoBLem! prOblEm?! *snaps* What is the problem!!  
Director:Woah calm down buddy. Its not THAT big a problem.  
Mephisto:What isss the problem then?  
Director:I only need one guy. There's only one bad guy.  
(Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto look at each other with murder in their eyes)  
Director:Hey, hey! This isn't Mortal Kombat, this is Hollywood, baby. We solve problems like this with auditions.  
Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto:Auditions?  
Director:Yeah, that's how we tell who the best one is.  
Diablo:I shall surely win this fight!  
Director:It's not a fight man. It's an A-U-D-I-T-I-O-N.  
Baal:How can you find out who is the best without a fight?!  
Director:Easy. We let you act out the part, and decide who did it the best.  
Mephisto:Part?  
Director:What the bad guy does. In this case anyways.  
Diablo:So what you are saying is that the one that does the most evil will get the part?  
(Before the Director can answer, Mephisto knocks his desk aside. It busts the wall down and sets off a whole parking lot of car alarms)  
Director:What'd you do that for?!  
Mephisto:It isss evil, and I desssire the "part".  
Director:But, the bad guy doesn't topple desks, break walls, or set off car alarms.  
Diablo:Then what DOES he do?  
Director:He captures fair maidens.  
Baal:Ni-ice.  
Diablo:That is boring.  
Mephisto:It isss cliched asss well.  
Baal:I think it is a fine hobby. Pick me!  
Director:Sorry buddy we still need to do the auditions. Wait a sec, I can't like-just call ya'll buddy, man, or pal while you're here. What ARE your names anyway?  
Diablo:I am known and feared among mortals as Diablo!  
Mephisto:I am the Lord of Hatred Mephisto!  
Baal:I am Baal, pick me!  
Mephisto:Ssssince we are asssking quesstionsss, how did you aquire my phone number?  
Director:It was in the yellow pages.  
Mephisto:The "yellow pages"? How did my phone number get into the yellow pages....how did you FIND my phone number in the yellow pages!  
Baal:What exactly are the "yellow pages"?  
Director:Easy guy, I just looked for the weirdest name in there!  
Diablo:Baal and Diablo do not sound weird to you mortal?  
Director:But Mephisto's got so many letters that seemed like-really weird.  
Baal:Are you saying that am inferior because I have less letters in my name than Mephisto?!  
Director:Heh heh, let's just go to those auditions.  
  
(later, on the set)  
Director:The hero and the fair maiden haven't been casted yet either, so you'll be working with Bob and Ralph for your auditions.  
Baal:I see no fair maiden!  
Director:Just pretend Ralph is the fair maiden for now.  
Baal:I would kill myself before I captured that!  
Ralph:That hurts dude...  
Director:He's not the real maiden. The fair maiden's hasn't been casted yet.  
Baal:Why not?  
Director:'Cause we can't have two auditions going on at once Ball, you silly demon.  
Baal:I am Baal, not Ball.  
Director:All right, who's going first?  
Mephisto:I am the oldesst, therefore I ssshall go firsst.  
Diablo:But I am the youngest! It is my birthrite to go first.  
Baal:No it isn't you came last.  
Diablo:But you came in the middle!  
Director:All right it's decided, you're up first Snakes. (hands Mephisto the script)  
Mephisto:(gives the Director a dirty look) What do I do.  
Director:Read the lines off the script, do what's said in parentheses and do it with flair!  
Mephisto:(looks at the script, gets on the set) Help.....help, the demon has-  
Ralph:Hey, you stole my line!  
Director:Ooops just do the ones highlighted yellow.  
Mephisto:All right.  
Ralph:Help, hel-  
Mephisto:HA HA HA HA HA HA! Who will sssave you know? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  
Director:Um, the laughing at the end was a nice touch, but you're supposed to wait for the fair maiden to finish HIS lines first.  
Baal:That is disgusting.  
Mephisto:Wait, wait! I wait for no mortal.  
Director:But you have to, or you won't get the part.  
Mephisto:Fine, then I ssshall wait.  
Ralph:*girlish tone* Help, help. The demon has taken me hostage.   
Mephisto:HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Who will sssave you now? MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!  
(Bob enters stage left, donning cardboard armor and a wooden sword)   
Bob:Halt e-vil doer!  
Diablo:What is this?  
Director:That's the knight in shining armor. Great job Snakes. Now it's your turn Ball, since you're the monkey in the middle-  
bAAl:i Am nO moNKEy!  
Director:Re-lax, its like-an expression. Anyhoo, get on stage, wait you're turn. Read the highlighted script, and do what it says in the parentheses. (hands Baal a script)  
Baal:(Gets on stage, looks at the script) You will NOT defeat ME hero! This fair maiden will be mine forever! (Waves appendages around threateningly)  
Bob:Have at thee! (charges at Baal, Baal takes it seriously and devours him whole)  
Random set person:Oh my God! He ate Bob!  
Director:That was not cool Ball. You weren't supposed to eat him.  
Baal:He tried to attack me!  
Diablo:With his frail armor and puny sword, he posed no challenge to you!  
Ralph:Man, I'm glad I drew the shortest straw.  
Director:(sighs) Bring in Joe.  
(Joe arrives stage right, dressed like Bob)  
Director:That's enough Ball. O-k Big Red you're up!  
Diablo:Why did you ask our names if you were going to call us by those stupid titles?  
Director:'Cause your real names are too difficult, and we're pals! :)  
Mephisto:(to himself) At least he does not call me Memp.  
Director:What, you already had a nickname and you didn't tell me!  
Baal:He does not like to be called Memp, and I do not like to be called Ball! Is Baal too difficult for your mortal mouth?  
Director:Naw, I'm your pal Ball baby. Now Big Red, YOu get to act out the dying scene. (Hands Diablo a script)  
Diablo:(gets on stage, looks at the script) Is that the best you have to offer? HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
Joe:I shall smite thee evil demon (swipes at Diablo)  
Diablo:Aaaarrgghh I'm dead! (mock-explodes)  
(The entire building is burned to the ground and every is covered in black ash)  
Diablo:*proudly* How was THAT!  
Director:Ya didn't have to go that far buddy. Now we're gonna have to build a new building.  
(The heros zone in at the waypoint next to Dumass Productions)  
Druid:This is Dumb-ass Productions isn't it?  
Necromancer:Du-mass.  
Amazon:Whatever.  
(Silence settles in for a brief few seconds)  
Director:There you are, you're a bit late though, Big Red burned the building down-  
(The Heroes and the Prime Evils point at each other and scream)  
Director:You guys know each other? Groovy! Now it'll seem more emotional. I might even win a Tony!  
Necromancer:This is a movie isn't it?  
Director:Yup  
Necromancer:Then you would win an Oscar.  
Director:Ha ha, Oscar, Tony. It all sounds like a bunch of guys to me.  
Sorceress:We have to work with them?  
Director:Yeah, one of thems gonna be the bad guy. And one of you is gonna be the fair maiden, another's gonna be the knight in shining armor, and then there's also the mentor!  
Everyone except the Paladin:Oh shit.  
Paladin:Holy casting calls!  
End of Part 1....  
  
Endnotes:O-k so noone was casted in this part, but the parts will be casted in part two of Prime Ratings, which will be posted as soon as its finished. 


	5. Prime Ratings part 2

Authors' Note-Sorry this next edition of long delays. Every time we would get a good idea our brains would spritz!   
  
Prime Ratings-Part 2  
  
(The fine crew at Dumass {snicker snicker} have taken the liberty to rebuild the studio during the long intermission.)  
Baal:Holy casting calls?  
Paladin:Yes, do you have a problem with my choice of vocabulary?  
Baal:*rolls eyes*  
Director:Come on now, we need to-like cast the knight in shining armor!  
Paladin:That part was written for me.  
Barbarian:I wanna be the hero...  
Druid:I want to save the chick! I'll do it with style.  
Baal:*snickers immaturely*  
Necromancer:Don't be foolish, dark is in nowadays.  
Director:Uhh sorry last guy, you look too old to be the knight in shining armor.  
Necromancer:*threateningly* Is that a stereotype?  
Director:No-way, I need a young, hot guy for my knight.  
(An awkward silence settles in, everyone stares at the director. Baal shudders.)  
Director:Any-hoo we need to get the audition on!  
Mephisto:WAIT!!  
Director:What is it Memp?  
Mephisto:*sharply* Do not call me by that name!  
Director:O-k Memp, what did you need to say?  
Mephisto:*rolls eyes* We are not doing evil. We came to do evil and we are not yet doing anything sssshort of following your directionssss!  
Director:Nah! Of course you're doing evil.  
Mephisto:But all we have been doing for the passst hour is lisssten to you!  
Director:It's in the script, guy.  
Mephisto:That'sss not evil! Thisss is evil! *sucker punches Ralph*  
Ralph:Ouch, that wasn't nice.  
Mephisto:Of coursssse, it issss evil! MWUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
Director:After we get this casting done you can do all the evil you want.  
Mephisto:*eyes grow big* Really?  
Diablo:Anything?  
Baal:Without those pesky heroes to stop us?  
Assassin:Hey!   
Director:Yes you can, AFTER we get finished guys.  
Prime Evils:Fine.  
Director:Now on to the auditions!  
  
(At the knight auditions.)  
Director:You all will be working with Ralph and Jeffy today with this audition.  
(Jeffy walks on stage left in a cruddy monster suit and waves.)  
Ralph:I'm the maiden again! ^^  
(Everyone present, excluding the director shudders.)  
Director:Well Mr. Din, you get to go first.  
Paladin:MY name is not Mr. Din good sir.  
Director:What are your names anyway?  
Paladin:Paladin.  
Barbarian:Me Barbarian.  
Druid:I'm called Druid.  
Necromancer:I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.  
Director:You little spoilsport.  
Paladin:*ever so coincidentally saying something before the Necromancer* Now what shall I do?  
Director:Read the script, and do what it says. You've got the part where you slay the de-  
Paladin:dIe fOUl BeASt!! *zeals Jeffy to a bloody pulp*  
Ralph:*mutters a prayer under his breath*  
Director:Oh my...  
Necromancer:*amused* Overdone it a little?  
(The Prime Evils warp in suddenly. Mephisto is holding a little card that has the number two and a half on it. Diablo is holding a similar sign with the words 'six feet under' on it. Baal also has a sign and it has a big, flaming, red number ten. Before the heroes can react they warp out again.)  
Director:Well, well wasn't that interesting? It's your turn now Barb, *hands the Barbarian a script*. You get the dramatic speech part!  
Barbarian:I can't read...  
Necromancer:Who didn't see that one coming?  
Druid:Neither can I, just go with the flow.  
Barbarian:*intrigued* Where's the flow?  
Druid:Nevermind, make up your own dramatic speech.  
Director:Yes, improv my boy!  
Barbarian:O-k *takes a de-ep breath* HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!   
(All the windows in the building break, the door falls down to reveal the girls playing cards at which the Assassin is cheating. Everyone in the room pops their ears before doing anything else.)  
Director:Well that was....forceful. Now its your turn Dru *hands him a script* You have to carry the fair maiden off to the castle.  
Druid:Aaahhh sick.  
Ralph:Be gentle, I bruise easy. ^^  
Druid:Ick *gets on the stage and with some difficulty picks up Ralph and throws him over his shoulder* Fear not fair maiden! I shall take you back to the castle....  
Barbarian:Hey, I thought you couldn't read?  
Druid:I lied to motivate you big guy.  
Barbarian:O-k :).  
Ralph:What's this?  
Druid:*quickly* Don't touch me there!  
(Ralph touches anyway, the Druid roars and shapeshifts into a werebear. Ralph screams like a pansy and faints, the Druid runs off carrying the unconsious Ralph.)  
Paladin:How dare you! *chases after the Druid*  
Director:Well, it was gonna happen anyway. Bring in Big Mack.  
(Big Mack, three hundred pounds of lard ass waddles onto the stage.)  
Barbarian:Eeewww sick.  
Director:All right old guy, since I'm fair I'm gonna give you the shot. *hands the Necromancer a script* You luckey devil, you get to do the love scene. *nudge nudge wink wink*  
Necromancer:*looks at Big Mack, who lets a big greasy fart loose* I feel.....less motivated now.  
Director:What are you waiting for old dude, get it on!  
Necromancer:I quit, the project may endanger my life and my pride to boot.  
Director:Spoilsport. Well now we need to have the auditions for the mentor. Since the old dude quit,and Mr. Din and Dru ran off somewhere with Ralph I guess you're the only one to audition Barb.  
Barbarian:I wanna be the hero *pouts*  
Director:The mentor IS a hero, big guy.  
Barbarian:*sniffles* Really?  
Necromancer:Yeah, the one that doesn't score and usually ends up getting killed so that the real hero will get off his lazy ass and go do something.  
Barbarian:*pout gets bigger* I wanna be the hero.  
Director:In MY story the mentor IS a REAL hero!  
Barbarian:Okies.  
Director:Now we have to go audition the fair maiden.  
Necromancer:*under his breath* Thank Trang-oul.  
(Big Mack lets out another big nasty fart.)  
  
(At the ladies audition.)   
Director:What are you doing here old guy?  
Necromancer:I'm here to correct the less sophisticated.  
Amazon, Sorceress and Assassin:Are you trying to say we aren't sophisticated!!! :/  
Necromancer:I was refering to this dope. *points at the Director*  
Director:That's not cool guy! Well any-hoo, this auditions easy. We've provided each of you with a duplicate of the dress the fair maiden wears, part of the audition focuses on how well you fit into it.  
Sorceress:Where are the changing rooms?  
Director:What changing rooms?  
Necromancer:*mutters under his breath* Shameless pervert.   
(The Druid, still in werebear form and carrying Ralph, runs by the stage. The Paladin is running close behind, screaming 'Stop in the name of Justice!' Both the Director and the Necromancer stare open eyeed at them and when they turn around the girls have already changed.)  
Director:That was fast!  
Stage Hands:Aaaawww, we didn't get to see none. *snaps fingers*  
Director:You're on first uuhh girl with short black hair-  
Necromancer:Assassin.  
Assassin:I don't need you to tell him my name. What do I do?  
Director:See that rumway *points to a runway that looks like it was stolen from a New York fashion shoot* walk down there, stop when you get to the end, slowly turn around and walk back.  
Assassin:What the hell is this?!  
Director:An audition.  
Assassin:*muttering* Do I really need this cash, I can just steal it. *does so*  
Director:*whispering so the girls can't hear him* Hmmmmm....her hair is just too short and lezzy-like. Plus the costume doesn't fit her too well.  
Necromancer:Are you talking to yourself?  
Director:Brilliant mind at work here-like, do not disturb.  
Necromancer:I've seen more brilliant clay golems.  
Director:*ignores it* Next! Tall, dark chick-  
Necromancer:Sorceress.  
Sorceress:*scowls at the Necromancer, and does the runway thing.*  
Director:*whispering again* Damn, she's nice, dark and exotic but she's just missing a few inches. *louder this time* Next-  
Necromancer:Amazon.  
Amazon:I do not need to be introduced by you! *does the run-way thing, but when she goes to turn around the dress rips at the top* Ooops.  
Director:*stands up and thunders* She's perfect!  
Amazon:Come again?  
Necromancer:*muttering* Odd I thought he was...  
Director:You're fit for the part 'Zon. ^_^  
Amazon:How so?  
Director:You fit in the dress!  
Assassin and Sorceress:Not exactly.  
(Baal warps in)  
Baal:Pick her, pick her! *points at the Amazon*  
(Baal warps out)  
Director:See Ball agrees.  
Baal's voice coming out of nowhere:Do not call me BALL!  
Director:Woah, that was some freaky shit. All right, someone go catch Dru and Mr. Din and get the three freaky demon guys.  
  
(later)  
Director:All the auditions were more or less good. And now I have selected who exactly is going to play who.  
Baal:Pick me!  
Director:I've already picked though Ball-  
Diablo:Do not be foolish, I was the best!  
Mephisto:I sssseriousssly doubt that.  
Director:All right now guys, calm down, I've already picked the bad guy. And I've chosen Memp.  
Diablo and Baal:MeMP!  
Mephisto:*too happy to care what name he's called* Excellent!  
Director:And for a most remarkable show of cool fighting abilities I've chosen Mr. Din to play the knight in shining armor.  
Necromancer:Who didn't see that one coming...  
Paladin:I shall uphold the honor of this part.  
Druid:NO fair, my part had a rude interruption.  
Director:That's life guy! And the mentor will be none other than Barb.  
Barbarian:I get to be the hero :)  
Director:Yeee-eeah, and by unanimous vote the fair maiden is the 'Zon.  
Assassin and Sorceress:We didn't vote for her.  
Amazon:Neither did I!  
Director:I know, but who cares!  
Ralph:I voted for her. *gets creamed by all the girls* Ooowww, damnit I'm gonna have bruises ALL over.  
Amazon:Lets just get this done.  
Diablo:I agree, let us get it done with.  
Director:Gree-eat we can start shooting today!  
End of Part 2....  
  
Endnotes:Next comes the good part, the actual filming of the Director's rather corny masterpeice! 


	6. Prime Ratings part 3

Authors' Note-Sorry, we're infidels. We kinda go side tracked with Christmas, New Years, and all that stuff. By time we finally remembered to update it was kinda February ^^'. Consequently we screamed 'Oh shit!' and promptly jumped on the computer to continue our hilarious epic.  
  
Prime Ratings-Part 3, the movie.  
  
(the characters stop their rousing game of charades, scowl at the dead beat authors and get back into their places)  
  
Druid:I swear if the Barbarian had done a Barbarian one more time I would've gone primal on him!!  
Necromancer:*clears throat* The game's over genius. We're finally gonna shoot this movie.  
Director:Yeah, lets like-get started guys! All right, first we need the mentor and the knight and shining armor on stage.  
Barbarian:I get to be the hero. :) *gets up on stage*  
Paladin:I shall do my best. *gets on the stage*  
Mephisto:When do I do evil?  
Director:Hold on Memp, it's not your turn yet.  
Mephisto:Evil doessss not wait it'ssss turn.  
Diablo:*pissed*Shut-up Mephisto, and wait your turn.  
  
(Mentor Scene-take one)  
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!! Wait ain't I the hero?  
Director:Cut! No you're the mentor Barb I already told you that.  
Barbarian:I thought I was the hero.  
Director:But your name is Mentor, I can't have two guys called Hero.  
Barbarian:*is confused*  
Paladin:It's alright comrade. *pats the Barbarian's back*  
Baal:You are not the hero big stupid man! Just live with it!  
Barbarian:I am too, the guy in the gay hat said so.  
Director:.....*stunned silence*  
Necromancer:Ri-iight, but you're not the hero, you are the mentor. You're better than the hero.  
Barbarian:Really?  
Director:Well actually-  
Necromancer:*elbows the Director in the gut* Shut up fool, let him think he's better or you'll never get this movie done!   
  
(Mentor Scene-take two)  
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!  
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Mentor?   
(A rubber chicken flys onstage and smacks the Paladin in the face.)  
Paladin:My eye ouch!  
Director:Man that wasn't cool, who threw that?  
Prime Evils:*in unison* Not us(ss). *big innocent eyes*  
Amazon:Whatever.  
Druid:Heh heh, that was kinda funny.  
Necromancer:I'll be glad when this farce is done with. *rubs temples*  
Sorceress:Why would any of us have a rubber chicken handy?  
Assassin:*quickly conceals something behind her back* What me? Do that? Never!  
Director:Oh well, lets just get on with the movie.  
Baal:What's the Mentor's name?  
Director:Mentor.  
Baal:That is not cool. Name him Baator.  
Diablo:What is cool? And who the hell is Baator?  
Baal:Baator is an old school chum of mine. *--lying through his teeth*  
Director:I like that name, the Mentor's name is now Baator guys.  
Barbarian:Am I still the hero?  
Everyone:*rolls eyes* Yes!  
Barbarian:HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!  
  
(Mentor Scene-take three)  
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!!!!  
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Baator?  
Baal:*bursts out laughing*  
Druid:*bursts out laughing too*  
Paladin:What? What is so funny?  
Diablo:Baal you haven't been taking any more of those drugs have you?  
Druid:*through tears of laughter* That was ingenius!  
Necromancer:How perverse.  
Assassin:Y'know that was funny in a defying the holy order sense.  
(Everyone stares at the Assassin.)  
Assassin:What??  
Director:Ri-ight lets try that again. Action!  
Paladin:Yes Master Baator?  
Baal:*bursts out laughing again*  
Druid:*falls down and starts laughing hysterically*  
Assassin:How do you guys know so much about that?  
Baal + Druid:Eeeerrr ummmm arrrrr *whistles innocently*  
Director:Y'know I think I'm gonna rename the Mentor Chuck. Sense you two just can't-like control yourselves whenever Mr. Din says Master Baator.  
Baal:*laughs so hard he pukes on Ralph*  
Ralph:Eeeewww, that's not good for the skin.  
Diablo:Baal, how could you laugh at your old school chum's name like that?  
Mephisto:What a ssssecond. We did not go to ssschool! Baal doesss not have a friend named Baator! Baal doesss not have friendsss to begin with!  
Baal:*between laughs* You fell for it.  
  
(Mentor Scene-take four)  
Barbarian:*enters stage left* Hero!  
Paladin:*enters stage right* Yes Master Chuck?  
(The Druid starts to crack up but the Assassin silences him with a chop to the back of the head.)  
Barbarian:Hero, there you are. You's gotta be heroic and go save the fair maiden from the cruel and savage beast that has kidnapped her.  
Paladin:I-  
(Big Mack lets out another big, nasty, slimey, greasy, [you get the point] fart)  
Director:*whispers* Don't worry 'bout that guys, keep goin'!  
Paladin:Ummmm I shall!  
Barbarian:Good, you's is gonna need a strong weapon to slay the cruel and savage beast. So I is intrusting you with my holy weapon of monster slaying.  
(the room begins to smell like ass.)  
Barbarian:*coughs* *wrinkles his nose* *hands the Paladin a great big prop sword that looks like it was put together by a kindergartener*  
Paladin:*gags* I shall do my best to live up to your great name Master Chuck.  
Barbarian:*gasps* *starts fake dying* Oh no, the poison of the cruel and savage beast has finally started to wear away at my great form.  
Necromancer:*seemingly unaffected by the gas* *whispering* That is the cheesiest dialogue I've ever heard. The Barbarian's said smarter things on his own.  
Barbarian:*chokes* You must live on my son. Yes I forgot I am your father as well as your Mentor.  
Paladin:You're my father??  
Necromancer:*smacks self in the head*  
Barbarian:Yes, *cough* I am your father. You must live on for meeeeee *hacks* *wheezes* *fakes dying* *horribly*  
Paladin:*hugs the faking dead Barbarian* Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall kill you cruel and savage demon! *obviously emotional and taking it the wrong way* DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! *leaps off the stage and decapitates Memp with the fake sword*  
Baal:Ha-ha  
Big Mack:Oh my God!  
Ralph:That thing can't even cut butter.  
Director:*sniffs* That was so beautiful Mr. Din. I'm going to cry *sniffs*. You didn't really have to kill Memp though. Now who's gonna play the demon?  
Baal:Me!  
Diablo:I shall!  
Amazon:Hey someone loot his stuff!  
Sorceress:*crosses her fingers and runs to the corpse of Memp* Oh my gosh! The Occulus!! *squeals* *starts bouncing up and down excitedly*  
Diablo:You fools keep forgetting that Mephisto does not have pockets.  
Assassin:Eeeewww  
Amazon:We know, we know. *shudders*  
Sorceress:*doesn't care* I've finally got an Occulus! *starts teleporting out of control*  
Director:We still-like need a bad guy.  
Baal:I am evil, I desire to be the bad guy, I come after Mephisto, pick me.  
Director:You promise you aren't going to eat Mr. Din.  
Baal:I do not make promises. But if you pick me I shall not eat the pally.  
Director:Great, you're in!  
Diablo:Why him. I am far more evil, and I did better at the audition.  
Director:You snooze you lose guy.  
Diablo:But I do not snooze!  
Director:Don't worry Big Red, if something happens to Ball then you the get to be the demon. You big silly.  
Druid:Man, this guy's a fruitcake.  
Diablo:*looks at Baal murderously*  
  
(The rescue scene-take one)  
Amazon:*tied to a poorly crafted pole* Oh woe is me, if I don't get rescued soon the cruel and savage demon will devour me.  
(the Sorceress cartwheels by still gloating about the Occulus)  
Director:Well, that was interesting. Cut!  
  
(The rescue scene-take two)  
Amazon:*tied to a poorly crafted pole* Oh woe is me....these lines suck! Why do I have to be such a pansy? I could bust out of here without even trying. *busts loose* See? Can I get some better lines?  
Director:No way, if you're all heroic and stuff no one will take the hero seriously.  
Baal:It is also hilarious to hear you say those things. BWA-HA-HA-HA-Ha!  
Diablo:Shut-up Baal.  
  
(The rescue scene-take three)  
Amazon:*tied to another poorly crafted pole and scowling* Oh woe is me, if I don't get rescued soon the cruel and savage demon will devour me.  
Baal:*warps in* I shall do more than devour you. *lick his lips* *tentacles start flaring around the Amazon.*  
Amazon:Ew  
Director:Cut! Where do you see those lines Ball? This isn't a porno, there aren't enough guys.  
(Stunned silence)  
Baal:That is wrong!  
Druid:I knew he was a fruit cake.  
Necromancer:Aha my suspicions are true.  
(Big Mack lets loose again.)  
Necromancer:For Trang-ouls sake someone get him some Beano!  
Barbarian:I like Gas-X, minty flavored. *farts loudly*  
(A petite fart is heard where the Sorceress and Assassin are standing. The Assassin instantly points at the Sorceress.)  
Assassin:*faster than a speeding bullet* It wasn't me.  
Sorceress:Occy! *she jumps on the Necromancer*  
Necromancer:*blushing slightly* Restrain yourself! *whispers* Trang-oul give me strength.  
Baal:Oooo *leans forward in interest*  
Director:Guys, guys!! We've got to-  
(A corner of the roof caves in and Tyrael floats in)  
Tyrael:AGAIN I find you all slacking off when you should be vanquishing evil doers *sees the Necromancer and Sorceress* Oh my...  
Diablo:Tyrael! At last I have you in my grasp!  
(The Paladin farts and almost rips himself a new asshole while doing so.)  
Tyrael:Have mercy-*faints on top of the Director*  
Director:Hey guy, why so close? ^^  
Diablo:Stench like never before-*faints on top of Tyrael whos on top of the Director.)  
Director:Ooo threesome. *passes out*  
Camera man #1:Should we keep rolling?  
Camera man #2:Shit yeah, this is a whole lot funnier than that piece of ass movie.  
Paladin:*starts saying a prayer of penitence*  
Baal:*looks back at the Amazon* Shall we continue? *tentacles flair up again*  
Amazon:Oh he-ell no. *breaks free* *kicks Baal*  
Baal:*eyes roll up in the back of his head and faints*  
Amazon:Wow, must've been a sensitve spot.  
Ralph:*holding his nose* Hot-damn where did you guys eat?  
Barbarian:Burger King *farts*  
Druid:UUmm Ralph, why are you still in the fair maiden's outfit?  
Ralph:....  
(A delivery guy from Burger King walks in. [This is Hollywood, everyone delivers ^^'])  
Delivery Guy:Somebody order a shit load a Whoppers?  
Baal:*instantly revives when he hears 'Whoppers'* fLaME-BrOiLEd-bEEF! *tackles the delivery guy and starts wolfing down Whoppers*  
Barbarian:Hey, those were mine. *pouts*  
Assassin:*sneaks over to Diablo and attempts to pick his 'pocket'* *rips another little fart* Damn onion rings!  
Diablo:*wakes up* *notices his position* *eyes almost pop out of head* *gets up verrry quickly* Tyrael, you, you, I am not like that!  
Tyrael:*wakes up* Huh? I've never in all my years smelled such a horrid stench. *groans* I think it burned all my nose hairs off.  
Director:*wakes up* Mmmmmmm, I had a nice dream.  
Diablo:Tyrael! You shall listen to me when I am yelling at you!  
Tyrael:I'm not in the mood for a fight Diablo, I have a headache  
Druid:*snicker*  
Diablo:That is vile even by my standards.  
Tyrael:I shall come back for you once I've taken some Aleeve.  
Diablo:No you shall not. Even if I was like that, I would rather 'go at it' with Baal or Mephisto.  
Baal:*chokes on a Whopper*  
Assassin:That's gross!  
Director:Mmmmm tasty. ^^  
Paladin:*prays more fervently*  
Tyrael:What in the- I never thought you were...  
Druid:*groans* I'm gonna have nightmares about this.  
Sorceress:*bounces across the room* OCCY!!!  
(The Necromancer reappears, his clothes disheveled and his hair a mess.)  
Necromancer:How distasteful.  
Amazon:For some reason that doesn't sound that bad to me...  
Ralph:That's gay!  
Barbarian:I like juicy fruit, it's fruity. :)  
Mephisto:*comes back from the dead* wHaAaAaAaT!!!!  
Diablo:I never said I wanted them! I just said I would rather have them than Tyrael. 'Doh! I was saying I prefer them to Tyrael. Aarrgh! No, what I meant was-Why the hell do I have to explain myself!  
Paladin:*going into a mad rage* Cruel and savage beast! You killed my father! DDDDIIIIIIEEEE!!  
Mephisto:Wait! He isss not your-  
(Mephisto gets reduced to cheeseburger by the enraged Paladin.)  
Necromancer:You do know that a) the Barbarian is still alive, b) he's not your father, c) that was highly unnecessary, but d) it was most entertaining.  
Paladin:Oh, I am afraid that I took the part a tad too seriously...*noticed the Necromancer's current state* what happened to you?  
Necromancer:*annoyed* It is nothing of your concern.  
Druid:Yeah, the Necro's got a girlfri-  
Necromancer:*defensively* That is a lie! She is a...close acquaintance of mine.  
Amazon:Heh, heh, sure...  
Assassin:VERY close acquaintance.  
Director:*scratches something down on a small piece of paper* *hands it to Tyrael* Call me sometime, babe. *^  
Tyrael:I shall not! I am horrified at the thought! *rips the paper*  
Director:*starts crying* Was it *sniff* something I did?  
Tyrael:*getting defensive* No, I cannot engage in such activities for I am chaste!  
Baal:You are not chaste anymore. *snickers*  
Druid:Yeah, you had a big, red demon lying on top of you.  
(Stunned Silence)  
Sorceress:*still doing cartwheels* Occy, occy, occy!  
Assassin:*grinning* By the way, Mr. Director man, we finished that movie while you were unconscious.  
Director:*sniff* Really?  
Barbarian:But we didn't- *Amazon knees him in the gut* Ow...  
Assassin:*displaying her trademark 'million-dollar smile'*Yeah, heh, heh. So were are those checks?  
Director:*as if he was never sobbing* Wow! Like-thanks a ton guys, here's those checks!  
Diablo:All of that idiocy for this slip of paper!?  
Baal:Yes, and we did no evil like you said we were!  
Director:That's life, guy.  
Diablo:Enough foolishness! We came to do evil and we shall-  
Amazon:*pressing the ballista into Diablo's temple with a big grin* Is that so?  
Diablo:*sensing defeat and a possible rip-off of the 'Dodge this' scene from The Matrix* Come Baal, come Mephisto! We shall see you later!  
Ball:Aww...HEY! You spelled my name wrong!  
Authors:Heh, heh, sorry Ball.  
Baal:It's Ball!!! Not Baal!  
Necromancer:Baal, not Ball.  
Baal:ARGG!!!  
Necromancer:By the way sunshine, Mephisto's dead.  
Diablo:Come along Ball.  
Ball:BAAL!  
(Diablo grabs Baal and teleports out)  
Director:*starts cuddling the camera* YES! My masterpiece is completed! It will redefine epic, millions will flock to see its greatness, it will be shown to children so they can learn the meaning of the word 'Great'. I'll win a dozen Tonys!  
Necromancer:Oscars you dolt.  
Director:Some of those too! It will be picture of the year for ten years! I've got to work on the sequel!  
Assassin:*nodding* Heh, whatever you say.  
Sorceress:*stops suddenly in the middle of a cartwheel* Did I just screw the Necromancer?!  
(Shocked silence, Necromancer blushes)  
  
Press reviews for Knight's Tail:  
  
"Two thumbs down and a kick in nuts" -Cisco and Ebert  
  
"This film should be used as toilet paper instead of being watched" -The New York Post  
  
"This movie will probably be shown to children to teach them the word 'suck'" -Good Morning America  
  
"Knight's Tail sucks as an epic, it sucks even worse as a comedy, that Director should retire early" -Chicago Sun-Times  
  
"That wasn't so bad actually..." -President George W. Bush  
  
"Huhuhuhuhuh" -Former President "Slick Willy" Clinton  
  
"I never slept better in my life" -People magazine  
  
"I pity da foo' who made this movie!" -Mr. T  
  
"This movie sucks more than an old hooker in the Red light district" -Jay Leno, the Tonight show  
  
"HHHHOOOOUUUUTTTTT!" -Barbarian  
  
"Hey, that one scene looks familiar..." -George Lucas  
  
"It's Baal!" -Ball  
  
"It's bacon!" -Beggin' strips dog  
  
"Watching this is worse than getting ass-rammed by Andre the Giant" -Conan O'Brian, The Late show with Conan O'Brian  
  
"They had a hot chick but the rest smelled worse than my asshole after dropping twenty pounds of baby-back ribs into the toilet" -Adam Corolla, the Man Show  
  
"It was the biggest collection of filth and depravity I ever witnessed" -Tyrael  
  
"..." -Silent Bob  
  
"That old guy banging the Asian chick was sweet" -Jay  
  
"I have no interest in human entertainment" -Haughty, stuck-up elf  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I had to add a new definition of suck in my dictionary" -Webster  
  
"Blech!" -Vlad Dracula  
  
"Four score and seven years ago, America actually made good movies" -Abraham Lincoln  
  
"Why the hell am I reviewing this?" -Professor Snape  
  
"We're showing this to our Prisoner's of War, take that Geneva Contract!" -Colin Powell  
  
"Ugh, this is the most fucked up piece of shit I've ever been unfortunate to watch. They should lynch the bastard that thought this shit up!!!!" -Oprah  
  
~End~  
  
Endnotes:Awww poor Director, his movie wasn't exactly what he thought it would be. This is the final part in the Prime Ratings story arch. The next chapter will be out as soon as we think of something interesting. We are open to suggestions though, so tell us what you'd like to see the Prime Evils do, what characters you'd like to see more of and anything else! 


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